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Wifey and… Parents in the Lord (3)

Continued from last week

Wifey and … don’t even mention their names

Boys be laughing at me- I can feel it. But I wont be deterred- I’ll tell my story.

Life is just full of ironies sha. Our pre- marital counselor had assured us that we were going to fight during the honeymoon. Told us not to worry, it would pass.

Me, I had sat there listening politely, thinking ‘Is it by force?’ And I  had mentally drawn up the commonest reasons for the post wedding fight- it had to be the wedding of course. That’s why I had carefully distanced myself from all the wedding preparation drama. Anything wifey wanted, I wasn’t going to be the reason she didn’t get it.

I had no idea, that in 48 hours of marriage, I would be boasting of not one, but two fights. And 1 fleeting first base experience.



Anyway, back to our fight. Wifey wasn’t crying this time around- she was mad and insisting that I was deliberating twisting her words, being condescending and being very cavalier when talking about our ‘parents in the Lord’

Me too, I wasn’t backing down. No begging anyone this time. I was very eloquent on how I had pastors- not parents in the Lord. And I was sick of their names/roles being bandied around in my very early marriage.

‘We were kissing… And you stopped that to tell me what Mrs P had told you on the phone. Abeg, wetin be the problem? Who does that?’

This of course led to the fact that my apologies after fight 1 were very insincere.



Lets just say by the time our food came- with the force with which I yanked open the door and my livid face, the waiter had to ask

‘Sorry- is this the honeymoon couple room?’ Confusion was written all over his face.

I calmed myself immediately, told him to put the food in and I stepped out unto the corridor.

When he was done he whispered to me “Dont argue. Rookie mistake. Just say ‘Yes dear'”

You see what my life has become?

When I got back into the room- wifey had disappeared into the bathroom. I was so sure she was with her phone.

How come we had missed this fundamental difference between us during our courtship?And counselling.

I decided that getting angrier wasn’t going to make me feel any better. But eating was. So i dug in on the food. Wifey emerged from the bathroom. She looked subdued but she didn’t say anything. Maybe her parents in the Lord had told her off. I decided that thought didn’t make me feel any better.

We had both agreed during courtship that we were not going to go to bed without settling our fights.So mehn, I fought that sleep off because I didn’t want to be the one to raise up this gunpowder and explosion topic. Pretty childish abi? Well, the last one or two hours have not been my finest so why start being all noble and mature now?

Wifey was plenty steps ahead of me. After changing into some flimsy something, she mumbled a very faint ‘I’m sorry’ before she dove under the covers.

Ehen? So that counts as settling fight? Interesting.

The next morning, I woke up first- I’m not sure why. That’s a lie, I know why. Anyway in those quiet moments, without that angry edge, I could think fairly objectively about my 72 hour plus marriage.

White Bed Sheets

One, wifey was annoying the hell out of me. But she was still wifey. And we had a pretty long time to spend together. And I loved her. And we had to just squash this, somehow.

Two, I had still not managed to execute any of my real honeymoon plans. One way or the other, that streak was ending today. This morning. I don’t even want to hear.

Wifey woke up later. I greeted her first and suggested that we should pray.

During our prayer, I plainly asked God to allow me reach third base today. That broke the ice and she started laughing. Good sign. By the time I started seriously rebuking all the demons warring against this prayer and desire, still laughing, she moved closer to assist God and the angels.


Somehow, that whole day passed and she managed not to bring up the P word up even once. And not to slip into the bathroom to make any calls. And to focus on only me. And us.

Ehen. This is what I’m talking about.

The next day, we did the Big Bus Tour Dubai. Somewhere on that open roof, during a particularly long stretch of journeying. I brought up the topic.

She tensed once I mentioned the subject. But I was determined it was a subject we were only going to visit when we were in public. She insisted that she still thought I was disrespectful and a bit irrational when it came to such a treasured relationship. I insisted that, while I didn’t agree with anything she had said- I wasn’t going to try to change her.

‘In this matter, I think we should both respect each others’ convictions. If we want peace’ I said resolutely

Wifey was almost in tears

‘But all they’ve ever done is show us so much love. I dont just understand your coldness to them’

I wasnt going to be baited. Or moved. ‘I love them, in my own way. You love them in yours. I’ve agreed to respect the way you’ve chosen to love them. Can you do the same for me? Or should we continue to fight and argue about it?’

She nodded sadly. But I needed more than a nod- if possible, I wanted a written agreement. But we stopped short at spelling out a few details

  1. No more bringing up our pastors when we were in the bedroom. She laughed at how ridiculous it sounded. But I have been burnt twice. I insisted on this one point.

  2. They were NOT my Parents in the Lord. They were my pastors. No more ‘Our’ parents in the Lord. She looked at me, probably wondering how she ended up with someone so fundamentally flawed.

  3. She was allowed to call them as often as she wished and I was not to comment on whether it was too long or late or unnecessary.

  4. She was allowed to do her Pastor and Mrs P ‘PDAs’. She should just leave me out of her plans.


I didn’t push my luck by demanding more. Number 4 annoyed her and I decided we had talked about the topic probably longer than the pastors themselves expected we would mention their names during our honeymoon.

The rest of the honeymoon went on okay. Just kidding, it was great.


We’ve now been married 4 months. I have learnt to ignore the bathroom calls heavily laced with ‘Yes, mummy’. And she has greatly managed to call them Pastor and Mrs P when referring to them to me.

She has not strictly kept to number 1 rule though- but at least she did not interrupt anything to tell me ‘Mummy says…’. But very importantly, when she was on the committee planning Pastor’s surprise birthday- I appreciated her effort not to tell me too much about it. May God bless her for that one.

Once in a while, I give that inward pained sigh when she does something I consider ‘really weird’. But that cannot be helped, i suppose. It is well.

If this is the major bleep in this fantastic woman I have married- I’ll take it. I’ll take her over and over again.

At least now, I’m a happily married orphan-in-the-Lord.

Wifey will probably not see this as a joke.

‘Sorry, babe’


Keep calm. I’m only wasting my life

No, I am not trying to trick you into reading some motivational speech, hidden under some inflammatory topic.

I really want to share the top ten tips to wasting your life.


I mean there are 6 billion lives on this one planet alone- why does everyone have to be reaching for a higher purpose? What does is matter if like 1 million are simply here to take up space and use up oxygen?

Anyway, hope you have your pen and paper ready. Or not.

Here goes Continue reading Keep calm. I’m only wasting my life