No, I am not trying to trick you into reading some motivational speech, hidden under some inflammatory topic.
I really want to share the top ten tips to wasting your life.
I mean there are 6 billion lives on this one planet alone- why does everyone have to be reaching for a higher purpose? What does is matter if like 1 million are simply here to take up space and use up oxygen?
Anyway, hope you have your pen and paper ready. Or not.
1.Everyone is thinking about you. So you have to take your time to constantly think about them too. The way you walked yesterday? Its still haunting some people so please, take some time today to dissect everything they might have felt and thought. Some of those possible thoughts might offend you, so be prepared to feel defensive and plot how to show them ‘you no send them’. Its better to be prepared for all eventualities than let some criticism catch you unprepared someday. Ehen.
2. Live in an alternate world for as long as you can. Dont think I’m asking you to do anything you have not been doing already. Those war games on PS 4- when you are done with them, move to movies. Have you Kept Up with the Kardashians today? No? I dont even know why I’m wasting my time with you.
Anyway, when you rectify that, Barca has a match. Wear your jersey and tune in. Its a great match so make sure you be kicking everything in the sitting room like you are actually on the pitch with them. If they lose, make sure you cry and be depressed for a few days.
They didnt just lose- you all lost. Nevermind you are not from Barcelona. And never mind you cant remember the last time you felt this passionate about anything happening remotely near you. Just do it.
See, the whole day is wasted and you’ve not even started on Facebook yet.
3. Believe everything your ‘paddies’ tell you.
‘You look nice today’- believe them. ‘Omo, they cannot give you visa at that embassy’- believe them. ‘That person is no good for you’- believe them. ‘It will rain tomorrow’- believe them. ‘Green is definitely not your colour’…. you guessed right, believe them. They are your friends and they cannot lie or be wrong. Ever.
4. Dont believe anything anyone tells you.
This sounds like I’m negating 3 above but its all about balance. But you are a smart person, you’ll figure it out.
What I’m trying to tell you is that you are always right. Particularly when you feel strongly about it. How can your feelings and gut instincts be wrong? Dont listen to nuthin. Dont listen do noone.
You will always prove everyone wrong. Everytime.
5. Make sure every single thing is in place before you take that next step. This very important. Because failing is very costly- both financially and psychologically. And you cant afford to be damaged in anyway. Anyway, the proverb has told you everything- look well well before you leap well well. Selah.
6. This one is very important. It’ll sound funny, but trust me, it works like magic. I think I should even be whispering it…
It’s their fault. Blame them.
This one is so good because it’s a one size fits all kind of thing … It fits everyone except YOU! Because you cannot be ‘them’ to yourself. Duh.
It’s your parent’s fault. Nigeria’s fault. The world’s fault. ISIS’ fault. Your University’s fault. Did that just make you feel as good as it made me feel? If it didnt, try again using some other names. There are 6 billion names on this planet, so this might take a while. Just dont give up till you feel good
7. Look for some one you admire. Now, try to be them.
Don’t mind everyone that has been telling you everyone is unique. Who Unique don epp? If you are more like that person you admire, then more people will admire you, just the same way you are admiring them now. And your life will be better. And you will feel better about yourself. The moment you become more like someone else. Kapish?
8. People give me funny looks when I say this one. I will say it anyway
The good old days should be renamed the best old days
Things were much better in the past. Petrol was 75k per litre. Dollar and naira were 1:1. (Can you just take a moment to wrap your mind around that one: N200 = $200). That former boyfriend was actually better than your fiance today.
Anyway, since those days were lit, you should relive them as much as you can. Right after crying yourself to sleep after Barca’s loss. And ps, in the past Barca did not use to lose games anyhow.
You see what I’m talking about
9. Someone offended you and now seems to be doing better than you? Fold your arms- God and karma will soon catch up with them and flip everything around such that you have all the success and they have all the misery. Better yet, they will know its because of what they did to you.
The only caveat: You must not forgive them
I mean, forgive them to the extent that if the police or your shrink asks you if you feel like killing anyone, you can say ‘no’ unhesitatingly. But dont forgive them up to the extent that you dont want them to pay for their sins.
Those people are your key to quick cash aand a miraculous turn around. Dont lose your keys!
10. The icing on the cake. I wont even explain it too much. Half a word is enough for the wise. Here goes:
Do everything the same way youve always done it. One day, life will come to its senses and behave.
That’s all for today. Write to tell me how well my advice works out. Incase, somehow your case is very stubborn and you need extra, well I have a joker. Lucky number eleven. Its actually a proverb
11. Why do today what you can do tomorrow?
Try them out and write to tell me all about them, okay?